"HP Installer Setup has stopped working"
Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate that Windows didn't decide to just blue-screen and dump me to a DOS prompt, but you'd think it could provide just a _small_ amount of additional information without forcing me into the Event Logs. After over an hour of troubleshooting, installing, reinstalling, and Googling, I finally found the following recommendation buried here.
Go to “Control Panel”, “Programs and Features”, “Turn Windows features on or off” and mark “.NET Framework 3.5.1”.
Once I enabled the .NET framework inside Windows 7, the installer completed without errors. Hopefully this tip will save you some time.